another fat rant

An open rant/letter to whoever..

Dear whoever..

I feel as if I'm positively trapped in my fatass body. I go to the gym like 5 days a week, for at least 30 minute workouts. I try to keep my calories between 1300-1500 a day (except on some weekends..). I have said "Adios!" to old habits like late night Taco Bell runs, Jack in the Box and even giant meals at KFC. I drink lots more water. Crystal Light and Diet Coke are my friends. Yet I am still a fatass.

I lost almost 30 lbs since last year. But it keeps going up and down like a bad yoyo. One week I'll be great. Then I'll have a little booze over the weekend, maybe a slice of pizza or two. Maybe I'll have a little spinach dip at Applebees. And I'll gain 5 lbs. It takes FOREVER to lose that 5lbs, if I lose it. What in God's name is wrong with my body? What did I do to deserve such a horrible metabolism? Is it my metabolism? Or is it because I eat too many sugary veggies like carrots? Is it my love for nonfat yogurt? My fat free vanilla ice cream with sugarfree chocolate syrup? Sugarfree nonfat iced vanilla lattes?

I don't think I'll ever get under 200 lbs at this rate. No offense to friends who have tried to help, but I'm not going to ask someone about changing my diet. I'm already deprived of so much yummy stuff that I don't want to torture myself with more food restrictions. Portion control= eating portions the size of my tiny midget fist. Yes I get it. Thanks.

I think I'm going to call my doctor later today so I can get some blood tests done. I don't expect or hope I have a thyroid problem, but it would be nice to know if I had one. I'd love to actually have a reason as to why my body hates me and retains water like the Hoover Dam. I don't want to become a diabetic, I don't want high blood pressure. I'm tired of being laughed at, tired of feeling unattractive. I'm tired of feeling exhausted every single day, regardless of how much I work and/or sleep. Tired of cringing when I look at videos of myself.

I wish some of the skinny superficial people out there could see what it's like for just one day. The ones who say "maybe you should exercise more" and assume that I sit on my ass and eat bonbons and just lie to people about my healthy eating habits. If they spent one day in my body, they'd maybe get a different perspective. It's so bad that I hate grocery shopping with my older sister. She's overweight too, and the rest of my family eats lots of processed crap. I finish my shopping, and her cart is already overflowing so she tosses some of their processed TV dinners, cookies, ice cream and such in my cart. I'm sure other shoppers assume it's mine and that's why I'm such a fatass. Two fat chicks pushing carts full of fattening shit to the checkstand. How lovely. It's that bad that I have to be self conscious about buying my food now.

Ok I think I feel better now. Thanks to everyone for your support and such lately, it's really helped. I just needed to get this off my chest.