I hate myself today

I'm just really frustrated with myself today. No I'm not frustrated with possibly moving, I'm looking forward to that actually. It's not that.

Good lord I'm fuckin fat. You don't realize how humongous you are until you see yourself. It's like, good lord. What happened to me? See, people see large folks like myself and they go, "Man, she's a slob. She doesn't take care of herself, she probably sits around and eats all day, doesn't exercise."

Okay I don't exercise nearly as much as some people. I only go to the gym 2-3 times a week and do 40 min of walking and 25 min of conditioning. I'm only eating 1400-1500 calories a day, and trying to watch my carbs. I'm down to one diet soda a day and lots of water and tea. What does it get me? Nothing.

I just broke up with a boyfriend of one year. Yes he has lots of issues and baggage. But he loved me and still does for who I am inside. It took me 24 years to find someone like that, and he's still a loser. Will I ever find someone who isn't a loser who loves me? Probably not. I have plenty of friends but if they saw me walking down that street and didn't know me, they probably wouldn't be my friend.

Speaking of friends, why does everyone try to offer me freakin food all the time? Does being overweight mean I have an invisible sign that says FEED ME on the back of my shirt? It sure feels like it. Today my friend stuck a cookie in my mouth when I picked him up from the airport. I'm sure he meant no harm and he's innocent as a child, but still, it made me feel awful. Like I'm some animal at the zoo. The other day my friend's mom gave me a sugary coffee drink, a giant bag of cookies and some chips in a matter of 10 minutes. Do I have some look of hunger in my eyes when I sit down? Lordy lord. I admit, I grabbed two extra cookies later that night at the smorgasboard so to speak, but I ate them the next morning. I'm not the pig that I look like.

I'm ordering a lot of pizza tommorrow for my party and I'm gonna try not to have more than maybe 2 slices. I'm gonna be good. I just wish I could be like everyone else and eat what I want and not gain weight. Dammit now I'm depressed.

Sorry for ranting, just sometimes I feel so terrible about myself. :(